


Shiny. Let's Tase Bad Guys

by dellaxstreet



Series: If You Give A Supe A Paycheck [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Companionable Snark, Darcy and Wade make the best bros, Domestic Avengers, First Meetings, Gen, Humor, Poor Tony, Steve Rogers is a Troll, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 05:51:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11891364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dellaxstreet/pseuds/dellaxstreet
Summary: Tony has no idea why or how Darcy Lewis, Professional Superhero Cat Herder, manages to end up showing off her probably-illegal taser to a crazy person like she’s in a Disney movie wielding a frying pan. It’s probably best not to question things like “You invited Deadpool in? And armed him? And let him steal all of our pie?” for too long.Featuring: Darcy and Wade as the snarkiest of bros, incredibly confused Tony, and Steve Rogers's secret ability to make none of this better.





	Shiny. Let's Tase Bad Guys

“Lewis. _Lewis._ Little Miss Stacked-And-Sarcastic. What the hell is going on here?”

Darcy looked up from where she had her feet unapologetically sprawled across the common room’s coffee table and batted her eyelashes in Tony’s direction, offering her best innocent face. She happened to know that this face worked on all but the most cynical of mortals, and a couple of Asgardians too. It was the face of a wide-eyed, earnest young thing who had taken her lessons in sincerity from Captain America himself.

It was also complete and total bullshit, which was beside the point. Tony should be willing to listen anything she said, not glaring at her with narrowed eyes and looking very much like he was a ten-year-old in a much older man’s body. And okay, to be fair, he looked like that a lot.

“You are so much better looking than the Crypt Keeper, Tin Man!” chirped the mercenary draped across their sofa beside her. He cut quite a figure, with half a slice of pie settled on the plate in his hand and his fork halfway to a mouth revealed below where his mask was peeled back. The red and black color scheme also kind of stood out.

Darcy blinked at the non sequitur, but didn’t comment. It seemed like half the things Wade said were the result of a dozen connecting points of conversation inside his head, all of which he’d leapt between on his own since the last thing whoever he was talking to had said.

As long as you were willing to accept that he’d just jumped from Point A to Point R, without bothering to explain Points B through Q, he was actually a lot of fun.

“Deadpool. Deadpool is sitting in the middle of Avengers Tower, and you didn’t tell anyone? Where did you even get pizza? Why is he sitting here hanging out with you? You’re supposed to raise the alarm when crazy people show up, Betty Boop!” Tony was still staring, like if he focused hard enough, he could will the situation back into making sense to him.

Wade snickered. “I can almost hear the Daleks shrieking!”

Cutting her eyes sidelong, Darcy smirked at him. She finally knew what Point B through Point Q were. “Explaaaaain, explaaaaain,” she droned, in an imitation of their trademark hysterical monotone.

Stuffing an entire slice of the other kind of pie down his throat like somebody who never had to worry about choking hazards, the mercenary’s grin grew to almost Grinch-like proportions. When combined with the rough scar tissue that covered his exposed skin, it made him look positively deranged. “I knew I made the right choice not shooting you! Elizabeth, you’re the pineapple to my pizza, the cherry to my pie!”

The expression on Tony’s face pretty much consisted of what she imagined would happen if somebody’s head neared explosion point, but they developed an eye twitch instead. “Pineapple on pizza?! Sacrilege! I’m demoting you from Favorite Intern status, Lewis.”

Pointedly picking a piece of the offending fruit up off her own slice and popping it into her mouth, she began to chew, making exaggerated ‘mmm’ noises until it was gone. Then she cocked an eyebrow. “First of all, that compliment still means nothing, because I’m your only intern. Second of all, pineapple on pizza is fucking delicious, so how dare you. Third… I’m the only person around here aside from the terrifying Russian with normal self-care skills, how did you think I managed to feed you all the time? Plus, pizza delivery people like me better.”

Wade cackled. “Hot meat delivered straight to your doorstep! _Oh my_!”

Darcy should probably have taken pity on Tony, and actually given him an explanation. But she was having way too much fun watching his facial expression contort to fit all of the newly arrived emotions as he tried to process the mindfuck which was spending time around Wade W. Wilson. He looked like he couldn’t decide if he was outraged, confused, annoyed, royally ticked off, or some version of all of the above.

Not knowing whether or not Deadpool was kidding about the attempted murder seemed to also be at war with the obvious reality of their current position. Not to mention the fact that Darcy had helped steal the last of that strawberry rhubarb pie Foggy had given them, and she was not sorry at all, but the head honcho of the Science Bros might decide to fight her over the honor of his desserts if he realized.

“How would I know when to yell at Jarvis about crazy people showing up?” she said instead, delivering the death blow this time. “You’re all crazy. Literally the only sane person around here is Dr. Jekyll, and that’s because I think he probably overindulges in yoga.”

In a stage whisper, even as he leaned over her to reach the nearest pizza box, Wade added, “Getting sweaty and naked in the name of fitness is the way to go!”

Darcy blinked again, considering this. “Yeah, I think Mr. Hyde might not appreciate extreme sweat lodge yoga. One wrong stretch and the whole sauna is completely toast.”

“10/10 would do it for the Vine.”

Finally picking his jaw up off the floor, Tony stalked over, snatching up a piece of pizza for himself as he demanded, “Are you bonding with a psychotic lowlife, Lewis?! Tell me you are not bonding.”

In unison, Darcy and Wade said, “I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community.” Their high five was so predestined that they did it without really even thinking about it, the spandex-and-leather-clad merc somehow managing to convey that he was beaming even with half his face covered.

“STEVE! WE HAVE A SUDDEN CASE OF UNWANTED MERCENARY, GET YOUR SPANGLY BUTT OUT HERE AND HELP ME MAKE IT STOP! I think he’s corrupting the intern!”

Without missing a beat, she winked. “What’s left to corrupt? I already saw your sex tape, Tony.”

Hands up over his face, her companion gasped theatrically. “There’s a sex tape starring Iron Man and no one told me? That is a serious violation of the bro code.” Lifting his gaze to stare at a point on the ceiling which seemed fascinating only to him, he pointed an accusing finger skyward. “You’ve been holding out on me! Wait, is Stony a thing here, or is he still having that offscreen relationship with Goop? No, no, don’t tell me, it’s Science Bros for sure! I’ve always wondered what Brucey’s like in the sack!”

Rounding on Tony, managing to out-motormouth a master of the art, his mouth opened in a wide “o” before he continued, “Which version is this, anyway? The one where he ends up hanging out with intergalactic Jeff Goldblum? Jeff Goldblum should be in everything ever, it has to be. So he could totally be a freak in the sheets! None of this weird homage to Fight Club! Who let Ang Lee direct a superhero movie, anyway?”

Since approximately 0.0000005% of this babbling made actual sense or related remotely to what they had been talking about, Tony apparently latched on to what seemed like the subtext here, and snorted. “I’m Iron Man. My sex tape doesn’t end up on the internet unless I say it does. Also, I repeat: What the hell is going on here?”

Darcy gave him a crocodile grin, the kind which would make any person who beheld it long for the sweet safety of her _aren’t I so innocent_ looks. “I’m working on the ‘If You Give A Supe A Paycheck’ Initiative, remember? Over pizza. Oh, and Wade kind of tased that one jack-booted thug who keeps grabbing my ass.”

Steve peered around the corner just as Tony squawked, “You tased him and didn’t give me front row tickets, Lewis? Rude!”

For a moment, the chiseled and earnest face of Captain America paused, taking in the tableau laid out in front of him. Then it began to morph into something else, with mischief bright in wide blue eyes and a telltale boyish smirk tucked into the corners of his perfect mouth. “Sorry, Tony, unless they have more pie, it’s not my problem.”

Little known fact: Captain America could be kind of an asshole when he wanted to be, especially if it involved giving a certain mechanically armored Avenger a really hard time. Darcy, who had never expected to be working this closely with somebody that her grandma actually had a gigantic crush on back in the day, was always delighted to observe this behavior in the wild. That, and she thought it was hilarious how much he didn’t like apple pie.

“Serve me up a slice of that quality beefcake,” Wade agreed, as Steve disappeared from view.

There was a pause, during which Darcy waited to see if the information had really sunk in. Then the older man’s gaze flicked to the plates which sat discarded, eyes narrowing even further. “Lewis, you heathen, did you finish the pie?”

She shrugged. “I was raised by wolves. Duh.”

“I’m gonna kiss you and hug you and squeeze you and call you George!”

Darcy’s sentiments exactly.


End file.
